the orange juice and milk theory

When I was younger, I looked up to my older (and only) sister.

Both physically because there's an (almost) 5 year age gap between us;

And emotionally, with adoration.

Don't get me wrong...

I still look up to her.

Literally. 

Because she is like, 6 foot tall or something; 

But also because I think she possesses amazing qualities that I envy.

She is energetic and wields an enthusiasm for life that is endearing and contagious.

I digress.

The point is - 

She's the Big Sister,

And as the Big Sister, it was her job to teach me things.

To impress her skills and knowledge upon me.

To share her wisdom, so that I could be cool

Just. Like. Her.

Insert the story about the time my cool Big Sister taught me that mixing orange juice and milk in a glass,
then sculling said concoction would cause excessive vomiting, 

thus ensuring you were guaranteed a Sick Day and wouldn't have to go to school.

Yes, it really happened.

No, she doesn't remember it.

We practically had to be on our death bed to be granted a day off school, 

So this was a fool proof plan.

AND (she assured me), 

Once you'd vommed a couple of times,

You'd feel fine;

So, could enjoy your day at home tucked up on the couch watching trashy day time tv.

She might have been a Child Genius...

I'm not dragging us all down Memory Lane for no reason BTW.

But simply to introduce you to 

T H E   O R A N G E   J U I C E   

A N D   M I L K   T H E O R Y

They simply don't go together.

Separately ?

No problems*.

(*Lactose intolerance excluded)

But together?

Not recommended.

Here's the core of my Theory - 

Some people are Orange Juice;

And others are Milk.

So what does that mean?

Well, they simply don't go together.


(For the record, my sis and I are more like a Vodka Orange combination...
The perfect mix of sweet and fun)

xx

seduced by words

I am a writer.

OK.. So I'm not the kind who gets paid to put prose to paper; reach an assigned quota; or meet a deadline.

But I do pour my thoughts out of my head and onto the page.

I'm the girl who believes in the significance of words.

Who values both the price of those written in silence and spoken out loud.

The kind who carefully forms thoughts into sentences.

Who knows that language is a gift.

Perhaps it is because I am a writer, or maybe it's just me... 

But I am the girl who believes in the power of the things I say.

I   S A Y   W H A T   I   M E A N 

I   M E A N   W H A T   I   S A Y

(And if I can't say it, then I remain silent... but that's a story for another day)

Even the simplest words can convey a significant message.

Every word has a worth.

And because I find beauty in letters strung together to form a meaning;

And because I appreciate the art of articulation - 

 I   A M   S E D U C E D   B Y   W O R D S

So it never occurred to me to question that others may not consider the value of their own.

Then again, I am the girl who believes that a pinky promise is a valid contractual agreement.

So I am learning that words alone (though magical in their seduction) are not quite enough.

In the currency of language -

Words and promises are only worth something if they are accompanied by action.

xx

so many ships in the harbour

Once upon a time, before mobile phones became a miniature computer with the means to keep you ultra-connected to anyone at anytime... Dating was (apparently) very simple.

Boy meets girl; 

Boy likes girl; 

Boy asks girl out on a date 

(Classic Combo: Dinner and a movie).

Insert montage of super romantic activities like wine tasting and mini-golf*.

(NB. Super Romantic Montage does not involve Boy sending Girl endless text messages (and snapchats and tagging her in endless memes on Facebook or Instagram) but rarely actually interacting with her face to face.. Except for random appearances on her door step well after a 'reasonable hour' and slipping back out under the cover of darkness right before dawn.)

Or so I've heard...

This probably the most accurate thing I have read all year.

"Situationships?!" I hear you ask.

Yes. They're a thing.

Relationships, Situationships, Textationships...

Present day dating requires you to learn a whole new lexicon*.

Allow the girls from The Hills and I to educate you.

Let's start with the basics...

F R I E N D S H I P

A state of mutual trust and support.
A promise to help someone no matter the circumstances, subsequently proven by actions.

R E L A T I O N S H I P

Any type of connection that brings two individuals together for a period of time.

Something other than a friends with benefits.

More than a mutual understanding!!

S I T U A T I O N S H I P

A situationship is kinda like a relationship, but more of a situation.

Friends with benefits are in a situationship.

People that are a 'thing' are in a situationship.

T E X T A T I O N S H I P

A friendly, romantic, sexual or intimate relationship, either brief or long-term, between two people whereby text messaging is utilized as the primary form of communication.

A relationship bound strictly to text messages with the absence of an actual physical connection, including but not limited to dates, sex, etc.
One may use pictures, Facebook, or sexts, but it is strictly a screen-based relationship.

E - F L I R T I N G

When someone is great at online communication

(such as sending flirtatious emails and text messages)

but never actually gets the courage to hang out with you in person.

A way to pretend you are in a relationship with someone without actually seeing them.

Sure... It seems innocent enough...

G A M E  P L A Y E R
A person that plays games, like mind games with others

C O N F U S I O N

Uncertainty about what is happening, intended or required.

The state of being bewildered or unclear in one's mind about something.

G H O S T I N G
The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone with whom you are in a 'ship' (friendship, relationship, situationship).
This is done in the hopes that the ghostee will just 'get the hint' and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.

S L O W  F A D E

Unlike ghosting, the slow fade is a more gradual way of cutting off communication with someone. 

The slow fade is when you begin to respond/interact less and less until you stop talking altogether.

       

J E R K
An obnoxious, arrogant, self-centered male who women can't seem to get enough of.

S I L L Y  G I R L

When a person of the female gender, behaves in a silly manner.

A F
AF stands for “as fuck.”
But it is commonly used to describe someone who is super single.
So, someone is “single AF.”

L O V E

A strong feeling of affection.

The act of caring and giving to someone else.

Having someone's best interest and wellbeing as a priority in your life.

Either a horrible disease or a blessing.

A D V I C E
Guidance or recommendations offered with regard to prudent action,
Usually offered by concerned friends and family,
Often ignored or disregarded.

xx

*Definitions adapted from Urban Dictionary

man vs gentleman

Hands up who else hates this new upgrade to Facebook which sees memories from your past shoved in your face at the very top of the feed, so if you're anything like me, it's the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning?!

Yeah. I knew I wasn't alone.

BUT

This new functionality did notify me recently of a status update I posted in 2011 -

I know what you're thinking...

I was profound in 2011, wasn't I?!

And I stand by this statement 100%.

In fact, this 'memory' combined with today's Season Premiere of The Bachelor are the catalysts that inspired today's post...

The Difference Between  A  M A N  and a  G E N T L E M A N

Here's a little eye candy for those of you who are inspired by 'visual examples':

#youarewelcome


Much like Bee vs Wasp - 

A gentleman can usually be distinguished from a man on appearance alone...

[If you get close enough]

A sense of style.

A signature scent.

But it's a gentleman's behaviour which really sets him apart from a 'regular' man.

A gentleman is evolved.

He has manners.

And confidence.

And ambition.

He yields a sense of power without the entitlement or the ego.

A gentleman understands the difference between saying and doing.

And most importantly - he knows how to treat a woman.

(unlike 2014 Bachelor Blake Garvey...)

Yes, Young Andie/Grasshopper.. 
There is a difference between a hot guy in a suit and a wanker in a suit who thinks he is hot.

Let's see what you've got Sam Wood.

xx

bee or wasp

Unlike the story of the Birds and the Bees.

This is a story of another kind.

This one's about Bee's and Wasp's.

It's easy to mistake one for the other.

Both have wings.

They fly.

And look kind of similar in passing.

Even if one is sitting right near you it can be hard to tell the difference.

Sometimes you have to get quite close to figure out what it really is.

You might spend some time with this creature.

Maybe even then it takes a while for you to realise.

Everyone can be categorised as either a Bee or a Wasp.

Just remember that one deserves your time; and the other does not.

xx

;)

This is kind of like a Community Service Post.

An Open Forum.

An inquisitive question to the masses.

Please, please leave a comment; 

or email me; 

or send a Facebook message; 

or even stop me in the street if you have opinions about this topic...

I am always up for a chat if you agree; 

or friendly debate if you think I'm off the charts crazy.

The topic of discussion??

T H E   W I N K Y   F A C E

An innocent emoji to some.

A guilty connotation to others.

I'm was always firmly positioned in column B.

The Winky Face is flirty.

It is suggestive.

It is certainly not to be thrown around with blatant disregard of the consequences.

Don't believe me?!

Just ask Urban Dictionary.

And for the record, these were the PG rated explanations of this seemingly innocuous symbol.

H O W E V E R ...

My opinion is now wavering!

It seems that not everyone shares my understanding of The Winky Face.

Some people do use it in general conversation.

And that's just downright confusing!!!

Because once upon a time, it seemed to be a Secret Code.

ie. "I am sending you a winky face to make sure you are 100% certain that I am hitting on you"

But then Apple got all fancy introducing little cartoon emojis and suddenly there's Winky Face's all over the place!

The Secret Code was breached.

The Winky Face was compromised.

And now the world is in chaos.

So. Much. Confusion.

So tell me.... Do you Winky Face?!

xx

i bring the thunder

"I brought the thunder.. 

It's what I call it.

It's very effective at work.. Only it's totally inappropriate on a date.

I was nervous.

I didn't socialise much as a kid; I kind of spent all my time in books;

and you don't have to socialise with books...

So when I get nervous I tend to cover it up by talking a lot;

and being really loud. And definite. And being in charge...

So no one will see how scared I am.

And on our date I was terrified because you're very handsome and nice and you're great;

A N D   I ' M   D O R K Y .

I ' M   N E R D Y .

I ' M   M E ! 

So I brought the thunder!!!"

-- Maggie Pierce

Yup - I'm the girl who's still watching Grey's Anatomy 11 years after it first aired.

Furthermore - I'm the girl who can still relate to the characters on Grey's Anatomy in its 11th season...

Maggie Pierce. I get her.

And I too have my own version of The Thunder, which I have been know to unleash on unsuspecting victims.

I'm not good at dating.

I am awkward at small talk.

I can be the worlds worst Chatty Cathy.

And then I retreat like a turtle back into my shell.

Hopefully a little thunder isn't too scary.

And as they say -

A F T E R   E V E R Y   S T O R M   C O M E S   A   R A I N B O W

xx

dating dealbreakers [brought to you by that time i played on Tinder]

First of all ...

Don't roll your eyes / judge / pretend like you haven't played on Tinder yourself. 

Everyone's doing it.

Second of all ...

It lasted a week.

A week of swiping, and chatting, and swiping, and judging.

And then I realised -

I DON'T NEED TINDER TO ATTRACT WEIRDOS INTO MY LIFE.

I got it covered!!

But as if the tales of Tinder aren't entertaining enough on their own, 

I decided to bring some expertise to today's blog post;

So I have enlisted the help of none-other than my gal

B R I T N E Y   S P E A R S

*insert applause*

This post is not Tinder specific by any means..
It could apply to any online dating site (although I have no experience with those);
Or it might simply apply to a guys social media accounts or general day-to-day behaviour..


Let's start with :

T H E   L A M E   S E L F I E S

Gym selfies.

Shirtless selfies.

Shirtless gym selfies...

Urgh.

What these photos tell me :
This guy will never love anyone else as much as he loves himself.

U S I N G   P R O P S

Whether it's a puppy, an infant, a snake, or a tiger they have managed to coax into the photo;

My reaction is the same -

Is that really necessary?!

[Bonus points to the guy with the teacup pig though.. Did you know you can't get those in Australia?!]



T H E   S O F T    O P E N I N G   L I N E

'Hey'...

I literally have nothing to say to this.

P O S I N G   A S   A
" H U N T E R   /   G A T H E R E R "

Because how will I know that a guy is a manly man, able to provide for me, if he doesn't show evidence of that one time he caught a fish.

And then took off his shirt so he could take a photo with it.

T H E   O N E   L I N E R S

I'l leave this to your imagination, because this is not the place to repeat vulgar messages..

Obviously in an environment where I have the attention span of a 3-year old in a toy store, a guy needs to catch my attention.

Some guys are flirty, some are bold, and some are outright disgusting.

Very rarely did I pause and laugh at a creepy one-liner.

Except the guy who claimed to be "Harder than Chinese Maths"...

[I swiped left]

B E I N G   T H E   D U F F

There's a new term for this specific person in a friendship group.

The D.U.F.F. = Designated Ugly Fat Friend

And 99.9% of the time, the Tinder profile belongs to the ugly guy in the group photo.

This is not me being mean; this is science.

[It did make me wonder about the etiquette of swiping right to ask about the guy on the left in the second photo though...]

S H O W I N G  I   A M   N O T   R E Q U I R E D

This is kind of hard to explain..
Obviously I don't want to meet some guy who sits at home alone with his 5 cats every weekend..

 But if all photos include group shots of a guy with several hot female friends, I can't help but wonder why he isn't dating one of them.
Or assuming that he did at some point...
Or wants to...


Extra special mention to the guys who include a wedding pic as their photo;
in which it is evident that they were the groom.
You know what - Who am I to judge a person for being married before?!
But seriously? Using it as the profile pic?!
... Is this person still married? Does their wife know about their Secret Swiping?!


Need I say anything about the guy who chose to post a duck-face selfie...
with his mother vacuuming in the background?!

F A I L I N G   A T   E N G L I S H

I am very particular about spelling and grammar.

But even if I wasn't.. A grown man should know the difference between his
Your and You're; and
There; They're; Their.

These are the basics.

If nothing else - My week on Tinder provided some fantastic office gossip;
And made for great Show n Tell with my friends.

[Hot Tip : This isn't Snapchat - The screenshot is totally permitted]

And now we can all thank Britney for reminding us to keep our standards high.

The girl was once married for less time than I took to realise this app is not for me, and I would rather meet someone the old fashioned way -
Drunk and at the pub.

xx

the saddest word in the whole wide world

I could pretend that this post is the direct result of watching The Best of Me earlier today.. 

(A typical Nicholas Sparks girly tear-jerker for those playing at home)

But I'd be lying. 

And we're friends, so I'm not going to do that to you.

And honestly?

There's not much more I can say.

A L M O S T

 [awl -mohst]

adverb

1. very nearly, all but:

almost every house; almost the entire symphony; to pay almost nothing

 T H E   H O L L O W   L O N G I N G  ||  B E A U   T A P L I N

"There's something far worse
than missing a person you shared
a fraction of your life with.
And that is missing a person with
whom you did not.
For you will neither be allowed the 
pleasure of their memory, the echo of
their love, the warmth of knowing
that once upon a time you meant a damn,
you were of some importance, you will
not even be allowed the small joy
of a smile that comes with happening
upon a note they once wrote you in
the bottom of your drawer.
It is a sort of hollow longing,
a dreadful nostalgia for a thing
that never quite happened."

xx

ten simple rules...

I have long contemplated the pros and cons of using this site to document my personal personal life.

I mean, naturally, I use this space to write about Life in a broad sense of the word, but I've always been very clear that this is not the forum for a Dear Diary outpouring of feelings and moment-by-moment replay of daily events. 

Nonetheless, the time has come for me to write an open letter to the men. More specifically - single men. Even more specifically - single men who are trying desperately to become un-single. The kind with whom I have recently had various (mostly unpleasant) encounters.

Let me first admit that the readership of this blog is comprised of my sister, one or two friends who only come here because I bribe them, and (for some inexplicable reason) a handful of people from America; So.. the odds of any single men (particularly those to whom this is intended) stumbling across this post is somewhere between slim and minus five million.

N E V E R   M I N D ...

---

Dear Single Men, 


Following my recent and (quite frankly) baffling personal experiences in the dating world, I am taking it upon myself to offer some advice from me, a twenty-something year old girl who enjoys margaritas and long walks on the beach; to you, a potential suitor who has not progressed past primary school techniques, such as pinching and name-calling, as a means to express interest in a woman.

Let me break it down for you.

Please don't over-complicate it. Hmm.. isn't it ironic that my first suggestion is to keep things simple, despite this being quite an extensive list. In my world - Boy asks girl out. Girl says yes. If you ask me to meet you at X at whatever o'clock on Friday I will say yes. You have worked out the details, and extended an invitation; the least I can do is accept the offer to get to know you. 

The whole "text-only" phase has a very short expiration date. I will get bored and move on. 

Please don't lure me under false pretenses. If I agree to meet for coffee, I have allocated a certain portion of my day to this pre-arranged activity. Please don't put me on the spot and force me to commit to extra time by announcing upon arrival that you're hungry and want to order a steak. They say that it takes just 15 minutes to decide if you have chemistry with someone (I believe it to be much quicker than that). So, upgrading yourself from a drink to a meal at the beginning of the date makes me immediately annoyed which does nothing for the potential chemistry; or worse, I will question your integrity- why weren't you clear about your intentions when we were organising this thing? 

Please don't whistle - At me or anyone else. Not in an "OMG, you're hot" kind of way; nor in a "Hey there, wait-staff! I am trying to get your attention!" kind of way. Whistling is for communicating with animals.

Please don't quote TV Shows to me. I won't understand the reference. Specific examples include (but are not limited to) Friends, Seinfeld, The Simpsons. I do not, and have never, watched them. Trying to further explain the quote in its original context won't help. 
[Hot Tip : The gifs in this post give you an indication of the tv shows I do watch.]

Please don't tell a story about all your attached/married/settled mates and explain that you're looking to "get serious about life" because you want a wife, three kids, a dog and a picket fence just like them. Maybe this is music to some girls' ears..?? But far from drifting into a day dream about our future wedding, I guarantee I will feel like a science experiment being assessed on my mating potential based on my genetics. At this point, I will also imagine you creepily photo-shopping my Facebook photos into a family album of our future children.

Please don't make me share the popcorn. I'm not kidding. Popcorn is just not a sharing food between two people who are still getting to know each other. You will insist on holding it to establish your control in our blossoming relationship; and I will worry about making too much noise / wonder if you are judging me for eating too much / if I am distracting you every time I reach to get some. As a result, I will barely touch it despite spending the entire duration of the movie thinking about it. (By the way - That's not a euphemism, I'm legit talking about popcorn).

Please don't make a big deal out of my age and/or our age difference. This applies on every level - calling me a Cougar is equally as off-putting as calling me Kiddo. If we have chemistry and more than a few things in common, age should be irrelevant. Demi and Ashton used to be a great example for this point. But since they're no longer together, let's just move along with the knowledge that labels are unnecessary.

Please don't play The Waiting Game. (Notice I didn't say 'please don't play games'?! Those can be fun...) But focus - because I'm talking specifically about The Waiting Game, for which I have no patience. Whoever is spreading nonsense about a 3-day rule needs to be publicly shamed.
There will come a point after our date at which time I will start to consider the possible reasons I've not heard from you. Common possibilities considered include :
a. You’re not interested anymore [Ouch.. perhaps harsh but fair..]
b. You’re too busy for me [ie. I'm not a priority and/or your social calender is overflowing with commitments so it's "last in, first out"];
c. Your girlfriend/wife/mum (?!) is back in town [Please don't entangle me in your dissatisfying life];

d. You died. Your phone died. Someone died. [If someone did actually die - Please know that I would be most sympathetic and would probably offer baked goods as my condolences. Please also know that it is incredibly inappropriate to fake a death with the expectation of receiving baked goods].
Depending on my interest in you, I will either privately contemplate these options; or openly discuss each possibility with one or more friends.

Further to the bullshit 3-day rule - I don't know many girls who will get upset because you contacted them too soon after a date. However, there is a fine line between keen and needy. Find it. Respect it.

Please don't centre the conversation around your judgments of me. If you think I would be perfect on Big Brother as the "hot, corporate, bossy chick" please keep that to yourself even if (for some unknown reason) you think it is a compliment. 

Please don't assume you know me. The fact that we are friends on Facebook does not give you the right to make assumptions about my life. Reference my social media posts if you want (provided it's recent and not from 2012) but remember that these platforms are about showcasing a highlight reel. It's true that I have an active social life, I bake and I travel fairly regularly; but did you know that I can also tell the difference between a flathead and a phillipshead screwdriver? I can build my own IKEA furniture; and I can cook a barbeque. I have bought and sold houses, I have loved and I have lost; I have known success and felt failure; and I will never settle for anything less than fireworks ever again.

With love from Andie

xx