Thursday, 22 January 2015

ten simple rules...

I have long contemplated the pros and cons of using this site to document my personal personal life.

I mean, naturally, I use this space to write about Life in a broad sense of the word, but I've always been very clear that this is not the forum for a Dear Diary outpouring of feelings and moment-by-moment replay of daily events. 

Nonetheless, the time has come for me to write an open letter to the men. More specifically - single men. Even more specifically - single men who are trying desperately to become un-single. The kind with whom I have recently had various (mostly unpleasant) encounters.

Let me first admit that the readership of this blog is comprised of my sister, one or two friends who only come here because I bribe them, and (for some inexplicable reason) a handful of people from America; So.. the odds of any single men (particularly those to whom this is intended) stumbling across this post is somewhere between slim and minus five million.

N E V E R   M I N D ...

Dear Single Men, 

Following my recent and (quite frankly) baffling personal experiences in the dating world, I am taking it upon myself to offer some advice from me, a twenty-something year old girl who enjoys margaritas and long walks on the beach; to you, a potential suitor who has not progressed past primary school techniques, such as pinching and name-calling, as a means to express interest in a woman.

Let me break it down for you.

Please don't over-complicate it. Hmm.. isn't it ironic that my first suggestion is to keep things simple, despite this being quite an extensive list. In my world - Boy asks girl out. Girl says yes. If you ask me to meet you at X at whatever o'clock on Friday I will say yes. You have worked out the details, and extended an invitation; the least I can do is accept the offer to get to know you. 
The whole "text-only" phase has a very short expiration date. I will get bored and move on. 

Please don't lure me under false pretenses. If I agree to meet for coffee, I have allocated a certain portion of my day to this pre-arranged activity. Please don't put me on the spot and force me to commit to extra time by announcing upon arrival that you're hungry and want to order a steak. They say that it takes just 15 minutes to decide if you have chemistry with someone (I believe it to be much quicker than that). So, upgrading yourself from a drink to a meal at the beginning of the date makes me immediately annoyed which does nothing for the potential chemistry; or worse, I will question your integrity- why weren't you clear about your intentions when we were organising this thing? 

Please don't whistle - At me or anyone else. Not in an "OMG, you're hot" kind of way; nor in a "Hey there, wait-staff! I am trying to get your attention!" kind of way. Whistling is for communicating with animals.

Please don't quote TV Shows to me. I won't understand the reference. Specific examples include (but are not limited to) Friends, Seinfeld, The Simpsons. I do not, and have never, watched them. Trying to further explain the quote in its original context won't help. 
[Hot Tip : The gifs in this post give you an indication of the tv shows I do watch.]

Please don't tell a story about all your attached/married/settled mates and explain that you're looking to "get serious about life" because you want a wife, three kids, a dog and a picket fence just like them. Maybe this is music to some girls' ears..?? But far from drifting into a day dream about our future wedding, I guarantee I will feel like a science experiment being assessed on my mating potential based on my genetics. At this point, I will also imagine you creepily photo-shopping my Facebook photos into a family album of our future children.

Please don't make me share the popcorn. I'm not kidding. Popcorn is just not a sharing food between two people who are still getting to know each other. You will insist on holding it to establish your control in our blossoming relationship; and I will worry about making too much noise / wonder if you are judging me for eating too much / if I am distracting you every time I reach to get some. As a result, I will barely touch it despite spending the entire duration of the movie thinking about it. (By the way - That's not a euphemism, I'm legit talking about popcorn).

Please don't make a big deal out of my age and/or our age difference. This applies on every level - calling me a Cougar is equally as off-putting as calling me Kiddo. If we have chemistry and more than a few things in common, age should be irrelevant. Demi and Ashton used to be a great example for this point. But since they're no longer together, let's just move along with the knowledge that labels are unnecessary.

Please don't play The Waiting Game. (Notice I didn't say 'please don't play games'?! Those can be fun...) But focus - because I'm talking specifically about The Waiting Game, for which I have no patience. Whoever is spreading nonsense about a 3-day rule needs to be publicly shamed.
There will come a point after our date at which time I will start to consider the possible reasons I've not heard from you. Common possibilities considered include :
a. You’re not interested anymore [Ouch.. perhaps harsh but fair..]
b. You’re too busy for me [ie. I'm not a priority and/or your social calender is overflowing with commitments so it's "last in, first out"];
c. Your girlfriend/wife/mum (?!) is back in town [Please don't entangle me in your dissatisfying life];
d. You died. Your phone died. Someone died. [If someone did actually die - Please know that I would be most sympathetic and would probably offer baked goods as my condolences. Please also know that it is incredibly inappropriate to fake a death with the expectation of receiving baked goods].
Depending on my interest in you, I will either privately contemplate these options; or openly discuss each possibility with one or more friends.
Further to the bullshit 3-day rule - I don't know many girls who will get upset because you contacted them too soon after a date. However, there is a fine line between keen and needy. Find it. Respect it.

Please don't centre the conversation around your judgments of me. If you think I would be perfect on Big Brother as the "hot, corporate, bossy chick" please keep that to yourself even if (for some unknown reason) you think it is a compliment. 

Please don't assume you know me. The fact that we are friends on Facebook does not give you the right to make assumptions about my life. Reference my social media posts if you want (provided it's recent and not from 2012) but remember that these platforms are about showcasing a highlight reel. It's true that I have an active social life, I bake and I travel fairly regularly; but did you know that I can also tell the difference between a flathead and a phillipshead screwdriver? I can build my own IKEA furniture; and I can cook a barbeque. I have bought and sold houses, I have loved and I have lost; I have known success and felt failure; and I will never settle for anything less than fireworks ever again.

With love from Andie



  1. words CAN.NOT express how much I love this post. LOVE (but i'll write words in caps, so hopefully that makes you realise how much I LOVE it) - best post ever. Like in the history of blog posts (and lets just say, i've been reading this business for years)

    BRILLIANT. In fact, i'm going to go back and read it again.

    AND THEN - we catch up over a few bottle of wines and I want to hear ALLLLLL the details xxxx

  2. oh, KB, I had to write it.. because surely I'm not the only one... right?! Right?! Vino soon for sure. xx


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