please don't leave me a voicemail...

I have a problem with voicemail.
And more specifically - people who leave voicemail messages.

But before we go any further, you might want to brace yourselves...
Because this is what I would describe is a Truth Bomb Post;
aka Harsh But Fair.

* * *

To The People Who Call My Phone and Find It Necessary To Talk To The Robot Lady Who Is Responsible For My Voice Mail,

(Her name is Samantha.)

My phone is always near me.

Like, rarely arms length away from me.

So if I don't answer -
It's because I literally can't right now;
or (much more likely) I DON'T WANT TO.


I sat down and wrote a list of all the times it is appropriate for you to leave a voice message -

1. NEVER^


If you are calling me, it means that you know me.
Which means I know you.
And you have my number.
So it's fair to assume that I have yours.
Stored right there in my contacts list.
So... When you call me (with the magic that is Mobile Phone Technology) your name comes up my screen.

If we're good friends - well... You should know me better than this by now... and I may start to question our friendship - and a photo I have carefully selected and assigned to your profile will also dominate my screen (interrupting my highly-likely Insta-scrolling) until you stop calling.
Which means if I don't answer, and by some miracle my phone wasn't visible to me in that exact moment -
My oh-so-smart phone notifies me of your missed call automatically.

If I don't answer your phone call -
P L E A S E   S E N D   M E   A   T E X T

I promise, I will read your text and respond IMMEDIATELY*.

But that little notification that tells me I have a voicemail?
Well... I can ignore that FOR DAYS.

Let's have a look at that in a pie chart...

In summary - If I don't answer my phone, I am either dead or busy.

Don't bother Samantha^.

Send me a text. Summarise the reason why you're calling.

Seriously.....

"Hi! It's meeee... Call me back!"

That's annoying.

Yup... Russell Brand know's where I'm coming from -

xx


^Unless you sing to me. 
I'm totally OK with you calling to serenade Samantha and I.
It's lovely.
We appreciate it.
☺

*Immediately.
Or maybe, like, in a few hours.
Definitely immediately if it's urgent though.
Promise. xx

paparazzi of our own lives

Earlier this week, a teenage girl whose name I no longer remember, got her 15 minutes of fame in mainstream media for admitting that everything she posted on social media to gain likes and followers was not a true reflection of her real life.

Apparently she feels like a fraud, and wants to call bullshit on the online charade.

This is the kind of 'news' that I would like to label -

A   S T O R M   I N   A   T E A C U P

Not because I don't agree with her new desire to empower young girls to live authentically;

Or because I don't applaud her new decision to use her position of power to speak truthfully to her followers;

Or because I, like several others, can't help but question if this was a clever marketing ploy to further her 'brand'.

But because it feels like we've just discovered that magazine editors use photoshop to enhance their images.

Or that reality shows like The Bachelor, Masterchef, (and dare I suggest it) Keeping Up With The Kardashians, employ an entourage of behind-the-scenes producers and editors to manufacture events and carefully manipulate situations to illicit more drama.

*gasp*

Social media posts are edited versions of reality.

That's a fact.

Photos posted by most #fitspiration accounts are no more candid than a carefully planned Lorna Jane photoshoot with strategic product placement and clever styling.

That's why we follow them.

It's why posts with hashtags like #inspiration; #foodporn; and #homedecor are in the millions.

Surely you too have taken countless near-identical shots before choosing 'the one' to post;

Added a valencia filter;

Or artfully cropped the image to showcase the best element?!

You won't find many terrible photos on my Facebook or Instagram accounts; 

And likewise, you won't find any framed and hung on the walls in my house.

Nobody wants to see my bedroom floor covered with the entire contents of my wardrobe because I couldn't find anything to wear to work 3 days in a row..

Or the state of my kitchen mid-baking, with dishes piled in the sink and the remnants of an icing sugar explosion across my bench top.

I publicly display the good stuff - ON and OFF line.

xx

pinky promise

To be honest, I don't often know where they come from, but I am repeatedly guilty of adopting random phrases, pop-culture buzz words or figures of speech.

I'm not gonna lie - I hear myself saying them over and over and it's like a snowball down the mountain, gathering momentum and impossible to stop.

"To be honest..."

"I'm not gonna lie..."

I would confidently estimate that I mean 99% of the things I say, at the time I a say them.

I am - for better, or worse - ridiculously honest. 

This essentially makes these latest additions to my vocabulary redundant.

These phrases are designed to give a person more conviction.

Which is why I am amused that they have crept into my regular every day conversations.

There is rarely a time when I would say something I did not believe.

And that is why I consider the Pinky Promise to be a 

B I N D I N G   V E R B A L   A G R E E M E N T

To pinky swear, or make a pinky promise, is the entwining of the little fingers ("pinkies") of two people to signify that a promise has been made.

And in my world - 

A   P I N K   P R O M I S E   IS  U N B R E A K A B L E.

xx

twelve things you would know about me ...

( ... I F   Y O U   K N O W   M E   A T   A L L )

O N E

I write a blog.

T W O

I stand in front of my freezer and eat icecream straight out of the tub.
Or tubs...
Let's be honest - There are multiple containers of various flavours to choose from.

T H R E E

I spend a lot of time at the beach. A Lot.
Running. Playing with Miss Emmy. Sitting. Thinking. Crying (!) Contemplating. Reading.
Rain, Hail, or Shine.
Because the beach is my happy place.

F O U R

My big sister is my bestie.
We are polar opposites; yet somehow scarily similar in many ways.
We communicate multiple times a day; 

Through text, old-fashioned phone calls, or social media -
Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat.

F I V E

I light candles throughout my house every night. 

I like the warmth and ambiance of the flicker of a flame.

S I X

I don't seem like the 'Sporty Type' but I like to run. 

And I sometimes practice Yoga. 

And although I haven't done either for a while, I also like to ski - Water and Snow.

S E V E N 

I own an electric drill and a power sander.
I am quite handy around the house...
But I struggle to sew on a button.

E I G H T

I HATE wearing flat shoes. 

Unless I am wearing workout clothes with sneakers - I'm either barefoot or in heels.
Yup.. I wear heels on the weekend.

Flat shoes make me feel short and fat.

N I N E

I could give up watching television in a heart beat; 

But I would cry if you took the music off my iPhone.

T E N 

I sometimes eat chocolate and drink wine for dinner.

E L E V E N

I still believe a Pinky Promise to be a legitimate, binding, contractual agreement.
Thou shall not break a Pinky Promise.

T W E L V E

I sing in the car. 

Always.

xx

man vs gentleman

Hands up who else hates this new upgrade to Facebook which sees memories from your past shoved in your face at the very top of the feed, so if you're anything like me, it's the first thing you see when you wake up in the morning?!

Yeah. I knew I wasn't alone.

BUT

This new functionality did notify me recently of a status update I posted in 2011 -

I know what you're thinking...

I was profound in 2011, wasn't I?!

And I stand by this statement 100%.

In fact, this 'memory' combined with today's Season Premiere of The Bachelor are the catalysts that inspired today's post...

The Difference Between  A  M A N  and a  G E N T L E M A N

Here's a little eye candy for those of you who are inspired by 'visual examples':

#youarewelcome


Much like Bee vs Wasp - 

A gentleman can usually be distinguished from a man on appearance alone...

[If you get close enough]

A sense of style.

A signature scent.

But it's a gentleman's behaviour which really sets him apart from a 'regular' man.

A gentleman is evolved.

He has manners.

And confidence.

And ambition.

He yields a sense of power without the entitlement or the ego.

A gentleman understands the difference between saying and doing.

And most importantly - he knows how to treat a woman.

(unlike 2014 Bachelor Blake Garvey...)

Yes, Young Andie/Grasshopper.. 
There is a difference between a hot guy in a suit and a wanker in a suit who thinks he is hot.

Let's see what you've got Sam Wood.

xx

the trust equation

I attended a training program through work recently, during which I was introduced to
T H E   T R U S T   E Q U A T I O N

There's a whole theory behind it;

And I found it very interesting particularly applied to professional scenarios.

But honestly, the equation makes it appear much more complex than it needs to be.

It's really very simple - 

T R U S T  . . .

H A R D   T O   E A R N 

E A S Y   T O   L O S E

The same week that I was introduced to The Trust Equation, I also found myself involved in a conversation about rock climbing.

"Are you afraid of heights?" I was asked.

Well, look, ummm... you see, I'm not a huge fan...

But the honest truth??

There's a better chance of me coping with heights than trusting someone to hold the ropes and pulleys to keep me suspended in the air whilst rock climbing....

I guess you could say that I suffer from Pistanthrophobia.

Which, despite sounding like an incurable disease, is

"the common fear of trusting people

due to past experiences with relationships gone bad."

To trust is to be vulnerable.

And vulnerability terrifies me.

(But that's another post for another day.)

Trust must be deserved.

I do not sprinkle it freely.

  

Thankfully I don't believe Pistanthrophobia is incurable.

I don't by any means think it is easy to overcome.

It just means I am cautious when choosing who to trust.
And sometimes my little protective shell takes a bit of gentle persuasion to crack.

And so... Here's a memo to everyone in my life;

Perhaps it's a memo you may wish to send to everyone in yours - 

xx

vulnerability is not weakness

I'm not good at being vulnerable;
showing vulnerability;
or even pronouncing the damn word correctly (if I'm completely honest).

vul·ner·a·ble  (vŭl′nər-ə-bəl) adj.

a. Susceptible to physical harm or damage: 

trees that are vulnerable to insects;

b. Susceptible to emotional injury, especially in being easily hurt: 

a lonely child who is vulnerable to teasing.

c. Susceptible to attack: 

"We are vulnerable both by water and land, without either fleet or army" (Alexander Hamilton).

d. Open to censure or criticism; assailable: 

The mayor is vulnerable to criticism on the issue.

VULNERABLE  =   SUSCEPTIBLE   =   DISADVANTAGE  =  EXPOSED  =  WEAK

Via Instagram  @TheGoodQuote

I blame Beyonce, Christina and Britney for their incessant singing about being a Survivor, Fighter and Stronger than yesterday for making vulnerability seem undesirable.

Their music taught girls (ok.. maybe just me) that we must we must be independent, fierce AND dirrty.

How come no one is singing about the strength of showing vulnerability ?

The raw truth of allowing the world (or even just that special someone) to see you for exactly who you are ?

Maybe if I had grown up with anthems that taught me that vulnerability is what connects one human to another, I wouldn't resist it so damn much!

OK.. probably not.

The walls I have built around me; and the barriers I have created have become somewhat of a joke among my closest friends.



- - -

"Her heart was a secret garden; 
And the walls were very high"

- - -



And whilst it may not be a direct result of singing pop lyrics into my hairbrush throughout my teens (and for many years later) -

My abstinence of vulnerability is real.

We should be teaching young girls that being ambitious, confident and intelligent is not mutually exclusive to showing vulnerability.

We should remind ourselves that closing ourselves off to the world in fear of showing vulnerability prohibits possibility.

We should be making a statement;
And shouting from the rooftops -


V U L N E R A B I L I T Y   I S   N O T   A   W E A K N E S S

xx

one mermaid tail, please

K I D S   A R E   W E I R D

I don't get them.

If you gave one to me to hold -
there's a good chance I would place it gently on the ground...
and back away slowly.

Just kidding!

Kind of...

Anyway, I digress.

Not too long ago, I wrote about childlike wonder in relation to playfulness.

Remember?
The one about jumping on trampoline's.

Today I am again inspired by these weird mini-humans who have such an incredible view of the world.

Of themselves.

Whilst we adults cannot see past the N E G A T I V E ;
the I M P E R F E C T I O N S ;
the F A I L U R E..

Kids see O P P O R T U N I T Y ;
P O T E N T I A L ;
endless  P O S S I B I L I T Y.


Check out this clip.
If you could change ONE thing about your body - 

What would it be???

So if I were to consider things from a childlike perspective,
I would have just one wish -

xx

;)

This is kind of like a Community Service Post.

An Open Forum.

An inquisitive question to the masses.

Please, please leave a comment; 

or email me; 

or send a Facebook message; 

or even stop me in the street if you have opinions about this topic...

I am always up for a chat if you agree; 

or friendly debate if you think I'm off the charts crazy.

The topic of discussion??

T H E   W I N K Y   F A C E

An innocent emoji to some.

A guilty connotation to others.

I'm was always firmly positioned in column B.

The Winky Face is flirty.

It is suggestive.

It is certainly not to be thrown around with blatant disregard of the consequences.

Don't believe me?!

Just ask Urban Dictionary.

And for the record, these were the PG rated explanations of this seemingly innocuous symbol.

H O W E V E R ...

My opinion is now wavering!

It seems that not everyone shares my understanding of The Winky Face.

Some people do use it in general conversation.

And that's just downright confusing!!!

Because once upon a time, it seemed to be a Secret Code.

ie. "I am sending you a winky face to make sure you are 100% certain that I am hitting on you"

But then Apple got all fancy introducing little cartoon emojis and suddenly there's Winky Face's all over the place!

The Secret Code was breached.

The Winky Face was compromised.

And now the world is in chaos.

So. Much. Confusion.

So tell me.... Do you Winky Face?!

xx

let's jump

I'm not sure of the exact date and time; but somewhere between believing in the tooth fairy and falling head over heels in love with Zac from Hanson, I became very serious about life. I quietly packed my imagination into a box and stored in securely on a shelf in my mind. The days of make believe quickly became a thing of the past. I decided being cool or 'grown up' was more important than having fun. And I began to do (or not do) things based on what everyone else thought of me. (Let's blame my mad crush on Zac Hanson on this very theory). 

 I   S T O P P E D   B O U N C I N G   O N   T R A M P O L I N E S

And doing cartwheels.

And running through sprinklers.

And rolling down grassy hills.

I lost my sense of child-like wonder.

At some stage - Everyone does.

I don't believe this is just a by-product of growing up. 

George Bernard Shaw said it best - 

We don't stop playing because we grow old;
We grow old because we stop playing.
-- George Bernard Shaw

How disappointing that in our society to be playful is considered 'childish';

and how heartbreaking that for an adult to exhibit playful behaviour results in judgement from others.

Rather than search outdoor furniture and courtyard inspiration since moving into my new place; 

I've been trawling gumtree for a trampoline.

I have decided to play again. 

To defy others' judgement; 

And find my inner-child full of energy and excitement.

Also - who doesn't love lying on a trampoline on a clear night and looking up at the stars?!

It's about mindfulness. 

Living in the moment. 

Unleashing fun. 

Let's bring back our childlike wonder.

You should be allowed to jump if you want to.

xx

i support the #selfie

Selfie  [sel-fee]

noun

a photograph that one takes of oneself with a digital camera or a front-facing smartphone, tablet, or webcam, especially for posting on a social-networking or photo-sharing website.

The selfie...

Love 'em; Hate 'em.

Everyone has an opinion.

For the record -

I   S U P P O R T   T H E   # S E L F I E

Sure, it's easy to look down your nose and claim narcissism at those who hold their camera phone aloft and strike a pose..

And of course I think there's a distinct difference between an innocent selfie and a blatant effort at amateur p0rn..

But the selfie appeals to my Type-A personality -

It gives me the ability to appear in photos, on my own terms.

And with the ability to control the angle/my appearance/the filter (!) comes a confidence I had never experienced before.

I T ' S   E M P O W E R I N G

Because (believe it or not) I was once the girl who flat out refused to be in a photo.

In fact, until the rise of the selfie, finding a photo of me other than those mandatory school photos or mother-enforced family snaps is near impossible.

There's a solid chunk of my life when I hid behind the camera.

"Selfies aren’t as simple as self-absorbed snapshots. In documenting ourselves, we’re documenting the ways our most important relationships have shaped us. By documenting ourselves, we’re valuing the intrinsic good that we bring to the lives of others... We’re humans that are loved and love. That make funny jokes, and have good hair sometimes, and make awesome lipstick choices."

-- Meg Keene

‪#‎wellsaid ‪#‎isupporttheselfie ‪#‎proselfie ‪#‎becausegoodlipstickshouldbecelebrated

Scroll through the camera roll on my phone and you'll discover it is full of selfies.

Some document a cute outfit, or capture a good hair day;

There are a good portion in which Miss Emmy plays the selfie game too...

Others are snapped in a moment to later remind me of an event or experience.

My photos document the life I’m living, right in this moment.

To me, that's not narcissism or vanity;

It's the preservation of memories. It's human nature.

And that's why I support the #selfie

xx

Sidenote: If you're looking for an entertaining tv show to binge on this winter -

Check out Selfie.

the game of life

Sleep is evading me this week.

I have laid (lain?*) awake for 3 nights in a row frustrated that my thoughts have not slowed; my eyes have not become heavy; and I have not drifted into a restful slumber.

My current state of restlessness seems here to stay.

So here I am at 3am rehashing a recent conversation with a friend; in which I tried (in my sleep deprived state) to explain my belief that oftentimes we encounter obstacles in our lives from which we must learn a lesson, otherwise similar challenges will continue to present themselves in the future (again and again.. And again) until the lesson is learnt.

F R O M   L E A R N I N G   C O M E S   G R O W T H 

and perhaps

N O N E   C A N   G R O W   W I T H O U T   L E A R N I N G

In any case, I have recently identified a recurring pattern in my life;

And based on my aforementioned beliefs, I am quite certain that this is no mere coincidence - 

I am supposed to learn something from this experience.

ie. This situation is providing me with the opportunity to grow.

Caught in this cycle, I have realised life is kind of like a high-stakes game of messed-up Monopoly -

You have landed on the Chance Card.

If you roll a 6 - 

Advance token to significant Personal Growth;

If you fail to roll a 6 - 

Go back 3 spaces; Internalise your life decisions; Pay the bank $200; and Miss a Turn.

Then try again...

Cue internal screaming 

"W H A T ' S   T H E   [insert expletive]   L E S S O N ?!"

So... because I am on a roll (pun intended) with the game metaphors;

I can explain this frustration very simply - 

LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES

(wait.. no, that's not it. haha.. #sorrynotsorry)

L I F E   I S   A   P U Z Z L E 

You have never seen a picture of the finished image; 

And you can't even be sure that you have all the right pieces.

Which brings me to my final piece of wisdom (at 4am...)

And ironically (because it certainly wasn't intentional)...

this little piece of advice is 100% applicable to the current challenge I have been battling.

And I am sure in the light of day it will make absolute sense to discard the ill-fitting pieces of my puzzle.

(One more analogy just for goodluck...)

Just as there are always a few extra, unnecessary parts in the little bag of nuts, bolts and screws that come with your flatpack IKEA furniture - 

Ill-fitting puzzle pieces in real-life add zero support to the overall structure; and are rarely worth hanging on to.

xx

*At this point - Who knows?!

we all have a story to tell

..."What do you even blog about?"

..."And what's the point in writing a blog that you don't make money from?"

..."But who would want to read what you write anyway?"

Those were the questions thrown at me by a friend's wife several weeks ago at a social gathering. 

It felt like an interrogation. And I felt like a fraud.

My immediate response?

S H I T . . . 

W H Y   D O   I   W R I T E  ? ! 

And then I found this... 

... and Flannery O'Connor had said it for me.

The truth is - My mind is a busy place.

And sometimes I need to Write It Out, just like T-Swift likes to Shake It Off.

For as long as I can remember, writing has been a huge part of my life.

Short stories; Journals; Poems; Letters; This Blog.

I find words to be therapeutic; and oftentimes, they pour out of my fingertips onto the keyboard, or scrawled across a piece of paper with the tip of a pen, and create sentences I didn't even know existed in my mind.

I can empty my emotions onto a page and suddenly the jumble of thoughts combines with my subconscious and I can find clarity spelled out before me.

I write because I made a promise to my Nan that I would one day publish a book of my stories; Because perhaps my lessons will help others (or at the very least, serve to entertain).

I write because I have a terrible memory!
So that I can read it back and marvel at my experiences; and remember with exact detail how I felt in that very moment.

Sometimes I write with a self-imposed pinky promise to never look at those words again.

I have thoughts.

And I have opinions.

And I write this blog because I want to.

xx

the power of expectations

Just over a week ago, I was over-the-moon excited to embark on The. Best. Weekend. Ever.

That may be a slight over-exaggeration (on this blog?! No WAY!); and the details are insignificant, but the learning was, in one word - EPIC.

And here I am a week later, considering the concept of expectation.

E X P E C T A T I O N

 [ek-spek-tey-shuh n]

noun

1. the act or the state of expecting : to wait in expectation.

2. the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

3. an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

4. something expected; a thing looked forward to.

5. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good : to have great expectations.

6. the degree of probability that something will occur : There is little expectation that he will come.

In a nutshell, here's what I now know - 

Expectation Met Exceeded = On Cloud Nine.

Expectation Raised = Hope.

Expectation Not Met = Total Devastation.

There are two questions circling my mind -  

If we have expectations (whether they are of a person or a situation); 

Are we setting ourselves up for disappointment?

Or are we simply putting the best case scenario out into the universe so that it can deliver the goods??

Are expectations (a desire for a certain outcome) a sign of greed; or Optimism?

The honest truth? 

I would rather feel the buzzing highs of anticipation; and suffer the crushing lows of disappointment; than experience life without hope.

xx

[Sidenote: In an ultimate example of irony - I have logged into blogger expecting to blurt out a post on expectation; I've struggled to put my thoughts into words for 3 days....; lost my connection to the internet and subsequently lost the random babbling I hadn't saved; started again, not with more clarity, but with less expectation.. and it has led me to this gem -

The key to letting go of resistance is letting go of the expectation that you’re supposed to be anywhere other than where you already are, right now.

Things will change soon enough and they will find you along your path, as you are ready. But until then, enjoy here, now.

- Tiny Buddha