Tuesday, 14 April 2015

dating dealbreakers [brought to you by that time i played on Tinder]

First of all ...
Don't roll your eyes / judge / pretend like you haven't played on Tinder yourself. 
Everyone's doing it.

Second of all ...
It lasted a week.
A week of swiping, and chatting, and swiping, and judging.

And then I realised -
I got it covered!!

But as if the tales of Tinder aren't entertaining enough on their own, 
I decided to bring some expertise to today's blog post;
So I have enlisted the help of none-other than my gal

B R I T N E Y   S P E A R S

*insert applause*

This post is not Tinder specific by any means..

It could apply to any online dating site (although I have no experience with those);
Or it might simply apply to a guys social media accounts or general day-to-day behaviour..

Let's start with :

T H E   L A M E   S E L F I E S

Gym selfies.

Shirtless selfies.

Shirtless gym selfies...


What these photos tell me :

This guy will never love anyone else as much as he loves himself.

U S I N G   P R O P S

Whether it's a puppy, an infant, a snake, or a tiger they have managed to coax into the photo;
My reaction is the same -

Is that really necessary?!

[Bonus points to the guy with the teacup pig though.. Did you know you can't get those in Australia?!]

T H E   S O F T    O P E N I N G   L I N E


I literally have nothing to say to this.

P O S I N G   A S   A

" H U N T E R   /   G A T H E R E R "

Because how will I know that a guy is a manly man, able to provide for me, if he doesn't show evidence of that one time he caught a fish.

And then took off his shirt so he could take a photo with it.

T H E   O N E   L I N E R S

I'l leave this to your imagination, because this is not the place to repeat vulgar messages..

Obviously in an environment where I have the attention span of a 3-year old in a toy store, a guy needs to catch my attention.

Some guys are flirty, some are bold, and some are outright disgusting.

Very rarely did I pause and laugh at a creepy one-liner.

Except the guy who claimed to be "Harder than Chinese Maths"...

[I swiped left]

B E I N G   T H E   D U F F

There's a new term for this specific person in a friendship group.

The D.U.F.F. = Designated Ugly Fat Friend

And 99.9% of the time, the Tinder profile belongs to the ugly guy in the group photo.

This is not me being mean; this is science.

[It did make me wonder about the etiquette of swiping right to ask about the guy on the left in the second photo though...]

S H O W I N G  I   A M   N O T   R E Q U I R E D

This is kind of hard to explain..

Obviously I don't want to meet some guy who sits at home alone with his 5 cats every weekend..

 But if all photos include group shots of a guy with several hot female friends, I can't help but wonder why he isn't dating one of them.

Or assuming that he did at some point...
Or wants to...

Extra special mention to the guys who include a wedding pic as their photo;

in which it is evident that they were the groom.
You know what - Who am I to judge a person for being married before?!
But seriously? Using it as the profile pic?!
... Is this person still married? Does their wife know about their Secret Swiping?!

Need I say anything about the guy who chose to post a duck-face selfie...

with his mother vacuuming in the background?!

F A I L I N G   A T   E N G L I S H

I am very particular about spelling and grammar.

But even if I wasn't.. A grown man should know the difference between his

Your and You're; and
There; They're; Their.

These are the basics.

If nothing else - My week on Tinder provided some fantastic office gossip;

And made for great Show n Tell with my friends.

[Hot Tip : This isn't Snapchat - The screenshot is totally permitted]

And now we can all thank Britney for reminding us to keep our standards high.

The girl was once married for less time than I took to realise this app is not for me, and I would rather meet someone the old fashioned way -

Drunk and at the pub.



  1. You deserve your own TV show #hilarious #favepost

    1. only if my girl B-Spears signs on to be my co-star.. omigod. I. Would. Die.

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