dating dealbreakers [brought to you by that time i played on Tinder]

First of all ...

Don't roll your eyes / judge / pretend like you haven't played on Tinder yourself. 

Everyone's doing it.

Second of all ...

It lasted a week.

A week of swiping, and chatting, and swiping, and judging.

And then I realised -

I DON'T NEED TINDER TO ATTRACT WEIRDOS INTO MY LIFE.

I got it covered!!

But as if the tales of Tinder aren't entertaining enough on their own, 

I decided to bring some expertise to today's blog post;

So I have enlisted the help of none-other than my gal

B R I T N E Y   S P E A R S

*insert applause*

This post is not Tinder specific by any means..
It could apply to any online dating site (although I have no experience with those);
Or it might simply apply to a guys social media accounts or general day-to-day behaviour..


Let's start with :

T H E   L A M E   S E L F I E S

Gym selfies.

Shirtless selfies.

Shirtless gym selfies...

Urgh.

What these photos tell me :
This guy will never love anyone else as much as he loves himself.

U S I N G   P R O P S

Whether it's a puppy, an infant, a snake, or a tiger they have managed to coax into the photo;

My reaction is the same -

Is that really necessary?!

[Bonus points to the guy with the teacup pig though.. Did you know you can't get those in Australia?!]



T H E   S O F T    O P E N I N G   L I N E

'Hey'...

I literally have nothing to say to this.

P O S I N G   A S   A
" H U N T E R   /   G A T H E R E R "

Because how will I know that a guy is a manly man, able to provide for me, if he doesn't show evidence of that one time he caught a fish.

And then took off his shirt so he could take a photo with it.

T H E   O N E   L I N E R S

I'l leave this to your imagination, because this is not the place to repeat vulgar messages..

Obviously in an environment where I have the attention span of a 3-year old in a toy store, a guy needs to catch my attention.

Some guys are flirty, some are bold, and some are outright disgusting.

Very rarely did I pause and laugh at a creepy one-liner.

Except the guy who claimed to be "Harder than Chinese Maths"...

[I swiped left]

B E I N G   T H E   D U F F

There's a new term for this specific person in a friendship group.

The D.U.F.F. = Designated Ugly Fat Friend

And 99.9% of the time, the Tinder profile belongs to the ugly guy in the group photo.

This is not me being mean; this is science.

[It did make me wonder about the etiquette of swiping right to ask about the guy on the left in the second photo though...]

S H O W I N G  I   A M   N O T   R E Q U I R E D

This is kind of hard to explain..
Obviously I don't want to meet some guy who sits at home alone with his 5 cats every weekend..

 But if all photos include group shots of a guy with several hot female friends, I can't help but wonder why he isn't dating one of them.
Or assuming that he did at some point...
Or wants to...


Extra special mention to the guys who include a wedding pic as their photo;
in which it is evident that they were the groom.
You know what - Who am I to judge a person for being married before?!
But seriously? Using it as the profile pic?!
... Is this person still married? Does their wife know about their Secret Swiping?!


Need I say anything about the guy who chose to post a duck-face selfie...
with his mother vacuuming in the background?!

F A I L I N G   A T   E N G L I S H

I am very particular about spelling and grammar.

But even if I wasn't.. A grown man should know the difference between his
Your and You're; and
There; They're; Their.

These are the basics.

If nothing else - My week on Tinder provided some fantastic office gossip;
And made for great Show n Tell with my friends.

[Hot Tip : This isn't Snapchat - The screenshot is totally permitted]

And now we can all thank Britney for reminding us to keep our standards high.

The girl was once married for less time than I took to realise this app is not for me, and I would rather meet someone the old fashioned way -
Drunk and at the pub.

xx

#OneBeautifulThought

Thought of the Day: 

W O M E N   A R E   B I T C H E S *

* to themselves

Ever wondered what it would sound like if your inner critic spoke out loud?

Dove France have launched an ad campaign based on the hideous things we say to ourselves.

The dialogue for this ad was made by asking women on the street to record their most personal thoughts about their bodies.

These criticisms were then scripted into a conversation between two women in a cafe, with the original women within earshot to hear all the ugly things they had said about themselves, directed at someone else.

_____________________

If it's not acceptable to say it to someone else,

WHY SAY IT TO OURSELVES?

_____________________

The way my eyes sparkle when I am excited; 

and show raw emotion when I am hurt.

#OneBeautifulThought

xx

the game of life

Sleep is evading me this week.

I have laid (lain?*) awake for 3 nights in a row frustrated that my thoughts have not slowed; my eyes have not become heavy; and I have not drifted into a restful slumber.

My current state of restlessness seems here to stay.

So here I am at 3am rehashing a recent conversation with a friend; in which I tried (in my sleep deprived state) to explain my belief that oftentimes we encounter obstacles in our lives from which we must learn a lesson, otherwise similar challenges will continue to present themselves in the future (again and again.. And again) until the lesson is learnt.

F R O M   L E A R N I N G   C O M E S   G R O W T H 

and perhaps

N O N E   C A N   G R O W   W I T H O U T   L E A R N I N G

In any case, I have recently identified a recurring pattern in my life;

And based on my aforementioned beliefs, I am quite certain that this is no mere coincidence - 

I am supposed to learn something from this experience.

ie. This situation is providing me with the opportunity to grow.

Caught in this cycle, I have realised life is kind of like a high-stakes game of messed-up Monopoly -

You have landed on the Chance Card.

If you roll a 6 - 

Advance token to significant Personal Growth;

If you fail to roll a 6 - 

Go back 3 spaces; Internalise your life decisions; Pay the bank $200; and Miss a Turn.

Then try again...

Cue internal screaming 

"W H A T ' S   T H E   [insert expletive]   L E S S O N ?!"

So... because I am on a roll (pun intended) with the game metaphors;

I can explain this frustration very simply - 

LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES

(wait.. no, that's not it. haha.. #sorrynotsorry)

L I F E   I S   A   P U Z Z L E 

You have never seen a picture of the finished image; 

And you can't even be sure that you have all the right pieces.

Which brings me to my final piece of wisdom (at 4am...)

And ironically (because it certainly wasn't intentional)...

this little piece of advice is 100% applicable to the current challenge I have been battling.

And I am sure in the light of day it will make absolute sense to discard the ill-fitting pieces of my puzzle.

(One more analogy just for goodluck...)

Just as there are always a few extra, unnecessary parts in the little bag of nuts, bolts and screws that come with your flatpack IKEA furniture - 

Ill-fitting puzzle pieces in real-life add zero support to the overall structure; and are rarely worth hanging on to.

xx

*At this point - Who knows?!

the saddest word in the whole wide world

I could pretend that this post is the direct result of watching The Best of Me earlier today.. 

(A typical Nicholas Sparks girly tear-jerker for those playing at home)

But I'd be lying. 

And we're friends, so I'm not going to do that to you.

And honestly?

There's not much more I can say.

A L M O S T

 [awl -mohst]

adverb

1. very nearly, all but:

almost every house; almost the entire symphony; to pay almost nothing

 T H E   H O L L O W   L O N G I N G  ||  B E A U   T A P L I N

"There's something far worse
than missing a person you shared
a fraction of your life with.
And that is missing a person with
whom you did not.
For you will neither be allowed the 
pleasure of their memory, the echo of
their love, the warmth of knowing
that once upon a time you meant a damn,
you were of some importance, you will
not even be allowed the small joy
of a smile that comes with happening
upon a note they once wrote you in
the bottom of your drawer.
It is a sort of hollow longing,
a dreadful nostalgia for a thing
that never quite happened."

xx

the power of the moon

Let me just start by saying - I'm not one of those people..

You know the kind of person who asks what star sign you are; 

and then reacts to your response with an - 'oooohh.. yes, that explains XYZ'.

For the record - I'm a Scorpio; and I'm stubborn.

Are the two intrinsically linked? 

I have no idea.

I also don't know which sign you are based on your birthday;

If you're an air or water sign;

Or you which traits are associated with Capricorns.

I wish I did.

And one day I might read those astrology books collected dust on my bookshelf; 

But for now, I look to my good friend Google to provide the answers.

And so, when I heard that today - 20 March 2015 - is one of the 

M O S T   P O W E R F U L   D A Y S 

of the year, I turned to said internet-BFF, to provide me with the answers.

And because I assume you're not one of those people either, I imagine you don't understand what it means that the New Moon/Solar Eclipse is in Pisces at 29 degrees...

So, let me break it down for you -

W H A T ' S   T H E   D E A L ?

A New Moon; and

A Total Solar Eclipse; and

An Equinox

W H E N ? 

Tonight at 7.37PM AEST

S O   W H A T ?

Each of these celestial events is said to be 'kind of a big deal' on their own.

So when combined - in an Epic Trilogy of Awesome - this creates very powerful shifts for our personal and collective transformations; and marks the time for breakthroughs.

If you've been looking for a change - The universe is about to deliver.

It is a profound time for new beginnings, for letting go of what no longer serves us, and embarking on new exciting journeys.

Think of this time as an opportunity to 'reset'; to be courageous; to take action on your inspiration.

The Super Moon is known to amplify feelings and emotions.

The Total Solar Eclipse symbolises potent new beginnings.

An Equinox allows strong creative energy.

~ ~ ~

Pay attention tonight and notice if your awareness is heightened;

or you discover you're experiencing a number of 'Aha!' moments in the coming days.

Or at the very least, do me a favour - 

Go outside;

Take a deep breath in;

Look up at the sky;

Admire the beauty of the night;

And take a moment to be grateful for something.

Anything.

xx

five words is not enough

If you had to describe yourself in 5 words or less - 

What would you say??

Would you throw out some adjectives and hope they're interpreted the right way?

I N D E P E N D E N T

ie. Doesn't play well with others... (kidding....)

C R A Z Y

But not in an "I-Need-To-Be-Institutionalised kind of way"

L O Y A L

Or is this a term best left to describe the family dog?!

I N T E L L I G E N T

Just don't take me to a quiz night and expect me to know anything other than answers to the Pop Culture category

S A S S Y

aka Bitch. No not really... 

Ok.. Sort of.

Or would you try to narrow it down to one succinct sentence?

S E R I O U S L Y   F O C U S S E D;

O R   S U G A R - F I L L E D   C H I L D

Who clearly doesn't play by the rules, because that's 6 words, not 5...

And, yeah... If I'm excited, my levels of hyperactivity can be comparable to a four-year-old in a candy store.

Even if you told me there was no word limit, I don't think I could complete the task and be 100% satisfied with my answer.

It's a tough question.

And often, how we perceive ourselves, is not how we are seen by others.

But this quote by Victoria Erickson is a pretty accurate summary of me; 

Each time I read it, it becomes clearer that I could never pick 5 words to describe myself to a stranger.

The best I can come up with right now is - 

E Q U A L L Y   C O V E T S   R O U T I N E 

A N D   A D V E N T U R E

xx

the secret life of emmy

**WARNING**

Shameless plug ahead.

Miss Emmy - My fur baby; Housemate; and daily entertainment - has joined instagram.

T H E   S E C R E T   L I F E   O F   E M M Y 

After years featuring as a special guest on my personal account, Miss Emmy has launched her own. Keep up to date with her daily musings, model-esque posing, and general cuteness.

xx

we all have a story to tell

..."What do you even blog about?"

..."And what's the point in writing a blog that you don't make money from?"

..."But who would want to read what you write anyway?"

Those were the questions thrown at me by a friend's wife several weeks ago at a social gathering. 

It felt like an interrogation. And I felt like a fraud.

My immediate response?

S H I T . . . 

W H Y   D O   I   W R I T E  ? ! 

And then I found this... 

... and Flannery O'Connor had said it for me.

The truth is - My mind is a busy place.

And sometimes I need to Write It Out, just like T-Swift likes to Shake It Off.

For as long as I can remember, writing has been a huge part of my life.

Short stories; Journals; Poems; Letters; This Blog.

I find words to be therapeutic; and oftentimes, they pour out of my fingertips onto the keyboard, or scrawled across a piece of paper with the tip of a pen, and create sentences I didn't even know existed in my mind.

I can empty my emotions onto a page and suddenly the jumble of thoughts combines with my subconscious and I can find clarity spelled out before me.

I write because I made a promise to my Nan that I would one day publish a book of my stories; Because perhaps my lessons will help others (or at the very least, serve to entertain).

I write because I have a terrible memory!
So that I can read it back and marvel at my experiences; and remember with exact detail how I felt in that very moment.

Sometimes I write with a self-imposed pinky promise to never look at those words again.

I have thoughts.

And I have opinions.

And I write this blog because I want to.

xx

the power of expectations

Just over a week ago, I was over-the-moon excited to embark on The. Best. Weekend. Ever.

That may be a slight over-exaggeration (on this blog?! No WAY!); and the details are insignificant, but the learning was, in one word - EPIC.

And here I am a week later, considering the concept of expectation.

E X P E C T A T I O N

 [ek-spek-tey-shuh n]

noun

1. the act or the state of expecting : to wait in expectation.

2. the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

3. an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

4. something expected; a thing looked forward to.

5. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good : to have great expectations.

6. the degree of probability that something will occur : There is little expectation that he will come.

In a nutshell, here's what I now know - 

Expectation Met Exceeded = On Cloud Nine.

Expectation Raised = Hope.

Expectation Not Met = Total Devastation.

There are two questions circling my mind -  

If we have expectations (whether they are of a person or a situation); 

Are we setting ourselves up for disappointment?

Or are we simply putting the best case scenario out into the universe so that it can deliver the goods??

Are expectations (a desire for a certain outcome) a sign of greed; or Optimism?

The honest truth? 

I would rather feel the buzzing highs of anticipation; and suffer the crushing lows of disappointment; than experience life without hope.

xx

[Sidenote: In an ultimate example of irony - I have logged into blogger expecting to blurt out a post on expectation; I've struggled to put my thoughts into words for 3 days....; lost my connection to the internet and subsequently lost the random babbling I hadn't saved; started again, not with more clarity, but with less expectation.. and it has led me to this gem -

The key to letting go of resistance is letting go of the expectation that you’re supposed to be anywhere other than where you already are, right now.

Things will change soon enough and they will find you along your path, as you are ready. But until then, enjoy here, now.

- Tiny Buddha